busses and lamp posts.

i think i am going to finally succeed in making a habit of this whole blogging thing. 

last night i finished one (fictional) journey and began another (yet, still fictional). one ended in an abandoned bus in Alaska, and the second began in the backyard of a modest London home. during these two journeys, i have experienced American landscapes that many eyes (likely including my own) will never see and i have experienced worlds that no human will know in this lifetime, but that may be out there waiting on us.

it's amazing what words written by someone else can do for a person. through the past 400ish pages, i have learned a lot about myself. i have learned that i am capable of viewing the world in a different way than i used to. i have learned that i can appreciate the little things. i have learned that i am content to sit alone for a few hours. i have learned that what i want more than a lot of things is just to see things that few other people have seen-to have experiences in common with some but not all.

i think most of all i want to live a simpler, but somehow more profound life. and i will make it my own journey to get there.

come with me?

adventures.

lately i have seen the world through a different set of eyes than the ones i am used to. the music i hear sounds sweeter. the windows seem bigger. words on pages go deeper. the sights i see every day are prettier.

last week i sat in Fayetteville, a town i love with so much of my heart, and i watched my friends go, one-by-one, to their homes. in a time when i would have normally been lost, i let myself pick up a book. i sat in chairs and began to read the story of Chris McCandless (Into the Wild). and although i have not yet finished, i think i have been changed by it. so far two passages have stuck out to me more than the others (enough to underline in the library's copy of the book to ensure that everyone who read after me would not miss them).

"...I wanted movement and not a calm course of existence. I wanted excitement and danger and the chance to sacrifice myself for my love. I felt in myself a superabundance of energy which found no outlet in our quiet life." -Tolstoy

"So many people live with unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future." - Chris McCandless

i have been moved to see the excitement of a lifestyle of reckless abandonment. and not one where i graduate college, sell all my possessions to hitchhike around the country and (spoiler alert!) eventually die in the Alaskan wilderness. no, through these odd passages in this book, conversations with friends, and much prayer, my heart is being conditioned to the type of life where i can be content to live with little possessions and be willing to move whenever and wherever the Lord leads.

sure, tons of people have had this "vision," but i want to be different. i want it to catch fire and burn in my soul until the day that i die. i want to enjoy the things i have been given. to see them for what they are, but nothing more. i will enjoy the tea i drink, the music i listen to, and the books i read. but i will enjoy nothing more than the time i spend in fellowship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

so, as i have prayed so many times before, take this world. but, this time.... truly. take away my emotional and material attachment to this world. let me love people, and as i go on my way, give me Jesus.

two years ago if you had asked me to describe what i thought my fours years in college would look like...... i would have been totally wrong.

never would i have thought it would be a friday night and i would be in my bathroom, curling my hair, listening to a not-very-fitting Pandora station, getting ready for two very funny guys to pick up me and my roommate.

never would i have thought i would don all black, a foam six pack, and batman mask and go out into the world.

i never expected any of this, but i can say this: i am so glad that the Lord knows better. even in the midst of fun and seemingly petty events, he has a way of telling me that he knew. he knew all of this would happen. he knew how my life would look way better than i did. he knew the friends i needed.

HE KNEW.
and he still knows.
and he will always know.

thank You.

life calling.

i don't know mine (by the way, i am 100% content with that). all i am saying right now is that i can be certain i am not called to go into a scientific field of study.

after probably 8 or so total hours of research, i have written three sentences for my lab project. there's got to be a better way than this..........

thoughts.

today i've got a million of them. too many to tweet. so, i make the move from one form of social media to the next.

there's a lot of people on the green bus today. one who needs some deodorant and a chill pill.

i saw the sunrise today. i've got to figure out how to make that a regular thing.

watermelon bust is tomorrow. whatever.

okay.

i go through more orange juice than you will ever know.

A.W. Tozer can always say what I'm thinking much better than I can.

"O Majesty unspeakable, my soul desires to behold Thee. I cry to Thee from the dust.

Yet when I inquire after They name, it is secret. Thou art hidden in the light which no man can approach unto. What Thou art cannot be thought or uttered, for They glory is ineffable.

Still, prophet and psalmist, apostle and saint have encouraged me to believe that I may in some measure know Thee. Therefore, I pray, whatever of Thyself Thou hast been pleased to disclose, help me to search out as treasure more precious than rubies or the merchandise of fine gold: for with Thee shall I live when the stars of twilight are no more and the heavens have vanished away and only Thou remainest.

Amen."

- ch. 3, The Knowledge of the Holy

i just made coffee and sat in my perfect chair to do my quiet time. why? because i can. apartment life is already fun. this post is probably completely unnecessary because most of you know what it's like to live in an apartment, and those of you who don't have probably heard exciting things from several people in the past about their first few days in a new living space.

anyway. here are my favorite parts of my room.

the chair. it's perfect. 

the lights over the chair. even more perfect.

this bulletin board. wow. 

fun flowers and mason jar candles. 

happy heart. 

my life in weeks.

for me, life is kind of hard to think about in large periods of time. it's easier to look back on the past 11 weeks or so one at a time.

one week of finals: yeah. for all of you who are in college or have gone through college, you know. finals week is something that just can't be understood. i used a disposable camera to document mine.

one week at home: nothing really came out of this week. nothing good. nothing bad.
nine weeks in destin: KALEO. this is the kicker.
week one: a lot of nerves. a lot of new things. a lot of friends. a lot of vagueness. a lot of fruit cutting. expectations set. first caffeine in sixty-something days [hysterical]. PUBLIX. what am i going to give to Jesus? my everything?

week two: Psalm 1:3. be rooted. behind on quiet times. already. what does it mean to really know God?how is my trusting Christ evident in my every day life? beginning of the summer of matching.

week three: hanging with the guyz. always. stumo on prayer. list of expectations, need for accountability, strengths, weakness: not complete. dgroup date. 

week four: dgroup weekend. orlando. donuts. pool. tennis. flea market. complementary valet. fancy dinner. downtown. bucket list: made. application? BONSAI. 

week five: relationships conference. written out prayer. discipleship conference. Jesus uses common people, chosen people, convinced people, controlled people, and commanded people. the day i had to write in pencil: sick. Great Commission is my personal responsibility. we built a fort, made pizza, and watched baseball. the beginnings of great friendships. 

week six: silent outreach. it started to click. kaleo is hard. evangelism is hard. my human nature does NOT want to tell people about Jesus. but, the since i am a new creation, i should want that. the week of getting off work early. prayer challenge. 

week seven: missions conference. JUNE 30 is the day that should go down in history. i hit the wall. HARD. but, thank the Lord Katey was around to open my eyes and my ears to the work the Lord was trying to do in my life. the first few weeks of Kaleo, i wasn't really even trying to experience God. i wasn't being honest with myself, which meant i couldn't be honest with the Lord or anyone else. the Lord chose me, and he is worthy of my everything. he is grieved when i blatantly disobey him, which i have done so often. i am going to open the door for Jesus every single day and work to keep it open. Satan and the world want to close this door, but i can't let that happen. Hebrews 12:1-2. throw off everything that hinders. i desire to be holy as the Lord is holy. reduced to nothing but a pile of ashes so the Lord can take away all of the garbage in my life and rebuild me to look more like himself. Psalm 73:26. 

week eight: i let my fear of this world consume me. it's not about me or what anyone thinks. Acts 20:24. it all clicked. "However, I consider my life worth nothing if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." i put pressure on myself to be perfect or to act just like someone else because i see them as perfect. they're not. i can't compare my ministry or my way of life to someone else's. that is 100% prideful. i will fail at times, but that has to be okay. i'm not alone, though. people have gone before me, and people will come after me if i give them the opportunity. this is the week i quoted Hebrews 12:1-2 out loud while sprinting home. it felt incredible. very cheesy, but it seriously made the scripture so real. led Bible study. what an honor. then the Lord blessed Betsy and I with the most precious Chinese coworkers. i love them. they cooked dinner for us on our last day of work. 

week nine: journaling is hard. i have too may thoughts. i tried once to get an overview of Kaleo. didn't happen. was it the summer of my life? yes. in the ways i thought it would be? not at all. my heart was honestly not prepared. the summer came with a lot of tears, frustration, and doubt. but i can see the Lord's incredible timing and huge blessings that followed. i too often count myself out before even getting a chance. Christ's love compels. i memorized 1 Corinthians 13 a few weeks ago. i am beginning to understand what love actually is. back to campus: prayer, planning, sow, growth. sacrifices are necessary. don't let roadblocks get in my way. i must be eager to grow and eager to give my life away. Lord, use me. it's a scary prayer, but i'm praying it anyway. 

i came to kaleo looking for something, anything. i found the Lord. i found a desire to hear from him and know him better. i also found several new friends. i found people i can trust. i found a deeper relationship with someone who invested in me... someone i can now call a best friend. i found relationships with three girls i wasn't expecting. i found comfort and peace and joy. 

one week at home: pillows, shelves, shower curtains, blah, blah, blah. 

one week of work week: what the uark bowl.
one week of rush: kAPPA fO lYfE YEAA

what it's like to be home.

well, i woke up at 6:30. it's now 8:43 and i have already laid in bed for 30 minutes, talked to my mom, had a quiet time, been to walmart and chick-fil-a, and sat down to watch spongebob. will i ever be able to sleep in past 7? who knows.

when i closed my refrigerator just now, i held the freezer door, too. i'm watching saturday morning cartoons. i guess i'm going to curl my hair? i'm heading down to camp in a couple hours. i'm eating my first ever chicken minis. with honey. wow. i want a coke.

just some thoughts. this is what it is like to come home from kaleo to an empty house. it's... well, it's strange.

when many times i don't know what to pray...

Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer; from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy (Ps. 63:1-3). Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions (Ps. 51:1). One thing I ask of the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and seek him in his temple (Ps. 27:4). But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness. Draw near to my soul, redeem me; ransom me because of my enemies (Ps. 69:13,18).

Create in me a pure heart, O God, a renew a steadfast spirit within me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me (Ps. 51:10,12). I demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and I take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). but just as he who called me is holy, I want to be holy in all I do, for it is written “Be holy, because I am holy” (1 Peter 1:15-16). For I have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do (1 Peter 4:3). Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and redeemer (Ps. 19:14). I will flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart (2 Tim. 2:22). The blood of Christ, who through the eternal spirit offered himself unblemished to God, will cleanse my conscience from acts that lead to death, so that I may serve the living God! (Heb. 9:14). 

Lord, you are gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love (Ps. 145:8). My flesh and my heart may fail, but God you are the strength of my heart and my portion forever (Ps. 73:26). I have been crucified with Christ. I no longer live, but Christ lives in my, and the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me (Gal. 2:20). So, I will not die, but I will live and proclaim what the Lord has done (Ps. 118:17), for I am not ashamed of the gospel (Rms. 1:16).

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--I will think about such things (Phil. 4:8). 

My delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law I meditate day and night (Ps. 1:2). May the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus (Phil. 4:7). Make my paths straight (Prov. 3:6). Father, into your hands, I commit my spirit; you have redeemed me, O Lord, faithful God (Ps. 31:5).

i've got probably a good 7 minutes left at the condo alone before the rest of everyone comes home from work? so what am i doing? being productive? no.

i got on facebook.
and now i'm listening to the loud music that i like.
and i'm blogging (duh).
shamelessly.

there are many times when i wish somehow the whole world could just know my thoughts. obviously there are times when i am so glad that's not a possiblity. but, right now i think it would be kind of fun. i've been finding a little bit of solace in drives, writing letters, and cooking good food. i'm trying to learn how to wake up early so that i have more time during the afternoons. today i went to the beach before the sun was even up.

this was taken standing in the same spot just facing three different ways. for fear of sounding cliche, i am seriously so thankful for this. the God who made this desires a daily relationship with me. i've got to remember that because it's so. cool. 

okay, i don't know how to wrap this up. or even what i'm trying to say. but i do know that it's almost dinner time and this girl is hungry. 

see ya. 

fist kaleo post

it's the end of week one. and what all have i done this week, you ask? well, i would love to tell you.

i have cut a LOT of fruit. yep. that's what i've done. in the produce department at Publix. but, let me ALSO tell you that i have already gotten hours of quality time with three women, Sonja, Anna, and Terri. these women are hysterical. what else is there to do all day but goof off and laugh at each other? although the early mornings aren't getting easier and my feet aren't getting any more used to nine hours of standing, i am so thrilled to have this job for the next eight weeks. it's a BLAST.

i have spent a LOT of quality time with the girls i'm living with. why? because all eight of us have the same love language: quality time. we constantly find ourselves all around the kitchen table or sitting together on the back porch. these girls are already such a blessing.

i have gotten a social overload. and i LOVE it. i love being around people. i love getting to share the experiences of Kaleo with everyone here. i know that most of us will go back to campus in the fall with an incredible vision and bond, and i'm excited because that's something i've never really had before.

finally, i've caught the TINIEST glimpse of what is to come. there is nothing i want more out of this summer than to constantly long for the Lord's comfort and presence. i know he is going to walk with me through the entirety of these nine weeks. i know he is going to reveal to me the things i am asking him to. i know it's going to be perfect. yes, at this point i am the slightest bit overwhelmed because i know there is so much that could happen this summer. the anticipation of it all it insane.

i still am nervous, but in a more excited way than i was before. i don't know how else to put it.

i'm off to work tomorrow. again. it's memorial day. aka the 2nd biggest day of the summer. bring on the parfaits and the fruit salads.

You Are Joy

i'm not gonna complain.
my lips will speak Your name.
my voice will give You praise,
give you praise.

i'm not gonna give up.
my strength, it comes from above.
Your grace is more than enough,
than enough.

-Warr Acres

warrior. dash.

this weekend, my last weekend of freshman year, i spent some precious time in KC with some great friends. this trip wasn't just a random one, though. we had a mission: Warrior Dash 2012:

i will say this: it was an absolute blast. i was not very well-trained and i'm just a terrible runner. but, we had so much fun. it was a "last-weekend-before-finals-week" hurrah. now i am tired and i have a test tomorrow. ohyeahhh. 

where

for my world lit class, our last assignment is to write a creative imitation of a poem we've read in class. this is fun for me. this is my first draft. i'm not sure i will change anything. 

where

i am from university, cajun

from married housing, young mother.

from late-night neighbors

and pine-needle sledding.

i am from yellow water,

from dozens of cavities:

    i do remember the day 

   the bath water was clear.

i am from grandparents,

back porch basketball,

“fishing” from the deck:

from always hooking something

that could bring a giggle.

from cul-de-sac 

bikes and trampolines

   “DON’T CRACK THE EGG!”

backflips, catch

i am from calvary

from hymns and sunday school

summer weeks and winter nights

from gathering

   fellowship

prayer and potluck 

i am from metal buildings

geometry, history

i am from weekends away

teammates and dinners and medals 

from competition and skill

   “perfect practice makes perfect”

i am from long-awaited phone calls

overdue visits; wondering

from the distance of one father

from the forced(?) closeness of another

from where is he?

or, where am i?

what am i doing

i am from dark nights

long weeks

   questions

but i am also from joyful days

seasons

   answers

i am from prayers

from disciples; learned

i am from broken relationships

and restored ones

i am from tears on a pillow

laughing in the aftermath

from salvation 

i am going, 

   i can imagine

to the unknown

i am going to a house

to a life on the road

i am going back to swing sets, 

to sandboxes, slides

to people

   languages; barriers

i am going into the world

to know its inhabitants

   (there are almost 7 billion)

going to a mountain:

snow-capped, sub-zero 

going to a jungle:

infinite, miles, wet

i am going to love

to hope; to peace;

to unrest

   probably not in that order

i am going to live 

dgroup.

as you may know, i will be spending nine weeks of my summer living in Destin, Florida, with 150 other students from the University of Arkansas. i will be living with 7 other girls, 3 of whom will make up my "d-group." tonight i found out who those three girls are.

i can honestly say i could not be more excited about the opportunity i have to get to know these girls better and grow with them. i am nervous and scared about living with people and spending so much time with the same people, but i know--absolutely, without a doubt, 100% know--that it is going to be perfect.

we leave in 25 days. twenty. five. days.

it's unreal.

and, as i look at my goals for this summer. they all come back to one central theme. this world does not have what i need.

you can have all this world, but give me Jesus.

fear.

i am not sure who are you or why you are reading this, but i am going to let you in on a little secret: i am a fearful person.

i am incredibly optimistic, but that does not mean my mind doesn't wander and lead me to sometimes fearing the days to come. recently, in my frustration and confusion with my lack of growth, i have become aware of the fears i have. i know i have a huge purpose, even beyond my imagination, but that by itself is terrifying. the thought of having to go through changes to get where i need to be is hard.

but, my thought process can't stop there. last monday night at the Fayetteville Prayer Room, i spent some time praying with a group of people i had never met before. during this time, a few of them spoke words from the Lord over me. the Lord used them to answer my questions and put my fears to rest. they saw the Lord leading me by still waters into a time of peace. but they also saw that there was something more. a deeper place for me to meet with the Lord. i needed to take a leap, dive into the waters that seem scary. it is in that moment that i will find the peace of God and will be completely overwhelmed and comforted by his presence.

there is no place in my life for fear of failure or fear of man. God is my hope and he has overcome all of that.

memory songs.

you know those songs that take you back to a certain time?

i have listened to two distinct memory-recalling songs in the past two days.

last night: Te Amo by Trevor Hall. i am not sure why, but this song somehow embodies the tone of last semester. which is interesting. maybe it's because of the autumn mood. maybe it's something else. not sure. i absolutely adore this song, though.

today: as i was studying and listening to a playlist titled "cooooool." this song came on: Turning Tables by Adele. summer. last summer, the AC girls loved to ride, windows down, blaring Adele. this was my favorite. (this isn't the version we listened to, but i wanted to provide you with an interesting video to watch... not just one with pictures and lyrics. you're welcome).

just sharing a little bit of my mind with you this morning. back to the grind.

pervasive.

"in broad terms, Islam generally regards religion as a more pervasive presence in daily life and a more important source for civil law than contemporary Christianity..."

The assigned article for my cultural anthropology class this week is "Understanding Islam" by Kenneth Jost. I started reading it today (it's long). I read this quote and literally could go no further for a couple minutes. The author of this is not, as far as I know, a Christian, and even he can see that Christians do not take as much action as Muslims (generally). The word that struck me immediately was "pervasive." I knew what it meant, but to get a better understanding, I looked up the definition:

"Spreading widely throughout an area or a group of people."

A pervasive presence of religion would suggest that, in the every day lives of followers, the religion was obvious. There are several religions that are "more focused" on God than contemporary Christianity. Buddhist monks stress the fact that every single thing they do during a day is based on what they feel they are hearing from God. Everything from what they eat to the clothes they wear to the paths they walk are based on some sort of direct revelation. What would our lives looks like if we, as Christians, took these same measures. Not becoming legalistic in having to do everything a certain way. BUT, what if we woke up and just asked the Lord, "God, what should I wear today?" He would probably enjoy that. Sure, his answer would likely be, "Thanks for asking! Wear whatever you want!" but I'm sure he would still be smiling down on us and be glad we wanted to spend time with him. We could also ask "Lord, who do you want me to pay special attention today? Who am I looking to make an impact on?" He would love that even more than us asking about our outfits.

What if every decision I made in a day was based on what I know of the Word of God and what I know of his character? Would my life look different? Oh yeah. You bet it would.

I want my relationship with Christ to have a more pervasive presence in my daily life. If it's the world that is standing in my way of this, I don't want what the world has to offer! I only want Jesus. This is a scary prayer. Who knows what the Lord thinks is unnecessary and would have no problem getting rid of. It makes me nervous. I am attached to this world in a way that is hard to undo. I am a journey to do just that. Cut my unhealthy ties to this world. So...

take this world, but give me Jesus.

timing.

it is a funny day. and i mean that in the most positive way possible. but i just had to take a minute and laugh earlier. seriously. i am happy.

i guess i should start off by mentioning just how beautiful it is outside. high around 70. okay. it’s perfect.

this morning, i woke up early. took a nice little walk to my car to get my hammock. why? because i was giving a speech in my 9:30 class. on hammocking. it was fun. during that class, i got an email from Stumo. the subject line read: "Thanks for Your Kaleo Deposit - Your Spot is Guaranteed!” there it is, ladies and gentlemen. i don’t know what it is about that that made it so real. yes, i was certain i was going. but now, i. am. going. i am scared. but i am also joyful beyond explanation. all i wanted to do was tell everyone around me!

about an hour later, i got a text from a friend that read, “just. got. hired.” wait. camp. i had almost forgotten about it in the midst of all the excitement. her text meant today was hiring day. it couldn’t have come with more perfect timing. that’s why my day was funny. God is funny. his timing is cool. all day long i have read tweet after tweet and facebook status after facebook status about who was hired for camp this summer. while it has been a little bit difficult today, getting that email today made all the difference in my attitude toward everything. the timing of it all just confirmed that i made the right decision.

then i spent a couple hours outside. hanging out. being with people. spending time in fellowship. i took a test. it was good.

now i am doing laundry. it’s actually relaxing. i’m getting things done. i am feeling great. my life recently has been up and down. i am ready for consistency, and i really feel like i am making steps toward getting there.

that is my prayer. to be rooted in the word and the Lord and in nothing else. if i am dependent on the things of this world, my life will show it. roller coaster. i want to be secure in the Lord’s callings.

so, like i have always prayed, “take this world, but give me Jesus.”

i am that person.

the other day i was walking and thinking. how can someone hear a set of rules and consequences and not follow them? i was thinking about earthly laws and guidelines set up by several different institutions. people are selfish when they don't follow them! someone made all of those laws for their good, and when they completely ignore them and do their own thing. they want what they want, and quite frankly, they don't let much of anything stand in their way of getting it.

but wait...

"whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me." - john 14:21

"keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. then you will be prosperous and successful." - joshua 1:8

"therefore, do not let sin reign in your mortal body, so that you obey its desires." - romans 6:12

"for i do not understand what i am doing, because i do not practice what i want to do, but i do what i hate. and if i do what i do not want to do, i agree with the law that it is good. so now i am no longer the one doing it, but it is sin living in me. for i know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh." romans 7:15-17

that's pretty clear. i am that person. i am the person i was condemning. i have heard the law. i have heard the commandments of the Lord, and more often than not, i an content to not follow them. sure, i want the good that He has for me, but my lazy flesh does not want to work for it. i claim i have been a believer since 9th grade. but since then, i have struggled (on and off) with habitual sin, i haven't shared the gospel except at camp, and i haven't really ever had the desire to. i am just like the people i couldn't understand. what isn't clicking in my head? [okay, let me clarify... it's not necessarily as if i feel like i need to be doing more, i just want to be able to have the desire to follow the Lord and better control over my selfish sin]

i don't want this to be about me anymore! but i get so frustrated and impatient. today, as i looked at my planner, i was shocked. outwardly, anyone could tell i am a Christian by the activities i participate in. things written on this week: fayetteville prayer room (twice), greeting at New Heights, prayer list, memory verses...

is it all real? or is my life just a show. i hope that it isn't. it's not. i sincerely want to follow Jesus. i am not just doing it for affirmation or approval. but, it is so easy to get caught up in doing things to strengthen my relationship with Christ and forget to actually pursue Him. i want to lay my life down DAILY. not just during worship on Sundays, or during a really good quiet time one night. i want to be constantly in pursuit of the one who saved me. who loves me. who gave his life for me.

give me Jesus.

Take the world, but give me Jesus,
All its joys are but a name;
But His love abideth ever,
Through eternal years the same

Take the world, but give me Jesus,
Sweetest comfort of my soul;
With my Savior watching over me,
I can sing though billows roll

Take the world, but give me Jesus,
Let me view His constant smile;
Then throughout this life's long journey
He will lead me all the while

Take the world, but give me Jesus.
In His cross my trust shall be,
Till, with clearer, brighter vision,
Face to face my Lord I see!

So take the world, but give me Jesus
Take the world, but give me Jesus
Take the world, but give me Jesus
Take the world, but give me Jesus

Oh, the height and depth of mercy!
Oh, the length and breadth of love!
Oh, the fullness of redemption,
Pledge of endless life above!

-Ascend the Hill

this IS the cry of my heart. but, why do i not act on it? sure, i want all the Lord has for me. but i suffer from something that most people do... complacency. laziness. apathy. it is SO SO easy for me to just sit by and let opportunities pass me by. and often times i catch myself being okay with it. i don't want to be okay with complacency! excuses are so easily formed.

here i am. i am 18 years old. i am a freshman in college. i am studying journalism. i am in a sorority. i have multiple opportunities every week to share the gospel. how many times have i actually done it? zero. in my mind, i am not the right person. someone else would be better. i'm scared. i guess the hope in writing this is that in voicing my fears, i will somehow be able to face them. or, at least understand them a little better? i'm on a journey. sometimes i feel like i have come miles. other times, i am a snail. and that's okay. but, sometimes i get frustrated.

frustration is, without a doubt, my biggest weakness. i get frustrated when people don't feel the same way i do. i get frustrated when i can't find words. i get frustrated with myself, mostly.

i am learning. learning how to cope. learning how to understand.

it's just taking some time, i guess.

so here i end, once again, with this:

you can have all this world, but PLEASE, just give me Jesus.

brokenness aside

All Sons and Daughters

Will your grace run out
If I let you down
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run

‘Cause I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

Will you call me child
When I tell you lies
Cause all I know
Is how to cry

I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

(disclaimer: You as a reader are about to learn something about me I didn't even know myself.)

Last night, in the middle of prayer in worship, all I knew was how to run. All I knew was how to cry. In a beautiful moment, I was selfish. Yes, part of it was because I knew there were problems in my heart that needed to be addressed before I could effectively pray for someone else. But, this is not uncommon for me. When I feel uncomfortable, I run. I avoid people. "I am a sinner, if it's not one thing, it's another..." This could not be more true about me. Sure, I may not partake in the "typical sins." But, my fear, my anxiety, my attitude? All of these things stem from certain sins. When I learn things and try to figure out how to apply them to my life, I get frustrated. Right now, frustration is my biggest weakness. I had so much time this weekend to sit and listen to the Lord, but then I didn't have much time to reflect and process what I heard. So, what did I do? I got frustrated? I ran away from the people I loved.

I wish I didn't do this.

sunsets, you know?

today i got away. yes, it was only for a few minutes. but yes, it was perfect.

i sat. i read. i just started So Long Insecurity. it is powerful. they are needed words. i sat. outside. in the almost-cold. at sunset. reading. alone. with my music. hymns. with Jesus. as i watched the sun descend on the horizon, i was mesmerized. every single time i looked at the sky, looked down, and looked up, it was different. Jesus was painting the sky for me. He knew i wanted to feel close to someone in that moment, and He was letting me know that He was watching. He was paying attention to me. He knew my heart and knew that, by using the sky, He could reach down to earth, for 30 minutes, and sit with me.



the world, my life, is constantly changing. just like that sunset. it never looks quite the same, but it can always be beautiful. sunsets are interesting to me. and i wonder why i am just now sitting down and taking the time to realize this. the sun and the sky are two things too big for the human mind to even begin to comprehend. yet, when i was sitting there by myself, i was captivated by the intimacy of the colors swirling above my head.



this weekend i spent a lot of time in solitude. i am beginning to enjoy it. i have been able to think. to listen. to know things about my heart i had never known.

i am listening to a friend listen to music and sing along with the words, "You can have all this world, but give me Jesus." and once more that is what i want to leave you with.

2 posts in 2 days. hmm.

i just wanted to share this because i am so happy. i have a great pandora station, a sonic coke, an incredible candle, an open window, and my journal.



it's the little things, you know?

it is well...

it is well.
with my soul.

i have a lot to do. i need to wake up early. i won't be going to bed anytime soon. but who am i to worry about what will happen? it is well with my soul. my heart is so happy. God has made my joyful today. even when i don't know what tomorrow will bring, i can rejoice because i know the Lord is with me. He is directing my every footstep. He loves me and cares that I follow his will.

i have a specific mission that only i can fulfill.

i am ready to do just that.

take this world, but give me Jesus.

let's do it again.

Classes for the second semester of my freshman year start Tuesday. That is three days from now. I have been in Fayetteville since Thursday. My belongings are all moved back in to my dorm room. From my window I can see students and their parents pull into parking spots and begin to unload laundry baskets and suitcases. As I think about the 16 weeks to come, I can't help but wonder what is in store. At SMC a couple weeks ago, I made a list of answers to the question, "So, what am I going to do?" This list became more or less a list of spiritual New Year's Resolutions.

-begin the day in praise and thanksgiving
-trust solely in the Lord
-LEARN
-pray continuously
-meditate on the Word in order to examine my life
-ask questions
-let someone in
-be held accountable
-let go of my pride
-seek purposeful fellowship
-be more intentional with my time
-hold my tongue
-purify my thoughts
-fight temptation daily
-retain knowledge to gain wisdom
-practice discernment
-put the word into action
-MAKE AN IMPACT on someone's life
-bless someone every day

Most of these things are very general, and I have no clue what they will look like in my life this semester. I could pretend I knew exactly what decisions I would make and steps I would take over the next few months, but that would get me nowhere. So, here I am. I have a list of goals. I have the first couple of steps to take to reach those goals. I am eager to see what the Lord will do in my life to help me along the way. He has begun to reveal himself to me. I know He won't hold back. So I won't either.

i tried to hit everything...

i finished my journal the other day. so, i took the time to go through it and think back on some of the things that happened this semester. it was very entertaining to read about the times i was frustrated and the times i was encouraged. here's what i wrote about that:

highlights:
-"i want to be more sensitive to the Lord's calling and whispers in my life" (8/23)
-frustration: "i want to move forward...to be able to make the sacrifices necessary (9/5)
-Acts 3:29-30 A Prayer for Boldness
-searching, earnestly praying for the Lord to bring someone
-next step?
-seek the Lord above man
-Shelby Taylor (10/6)
-first realization that results in my spiritual journey will not be immediate
-Kallie. PRAISE THE LORD!
-"be hopeful of what is to come, Avery!" 1 John 3:2-3
-first prayer for summer plans (10/23)
-Jenny Eason (10/23)
-Katey Zimmerman-first prayer about discipleship (10/23)
-USE. ME.
-still doubting security in the Lord. Philippians 3:3-4 (11/14)
-specific prayer for clarity about Kaleo (12/10)
-realization of reservations in my flesh and prayer. confirmation about Kaleo. (1/3)
-"my tongue will ever praise your name"

The Lord wanted to make himself known in my life this semester. Early this fall, I began to pray for the Lord to bring someone to disciple me. He answered my prayer on December 12th. He wanted to make sure my eyes were set on getting to know him better above all else. If I became too focused on meeting with one person and only learned from them, I would have been in a tough spot. I wouldn't say this semester was one wasted, but I would say I spent most of my time being selfish. At times I used ignorance and apathy as an excuse. I only cared about doing things that I thought would help me grow. But I have realized that I can't just take a timeout from my ministry because I am trying to learn something. The two--growth and ministry--go hand in hand. I have felt compassion for the lost girls I know. I have seen a vision of my purpose in Kappa at the U of A. Even if what I've seen is only a tiny, general glimpse, I know the Lord has placed each and every one of the believers on campus for specific reasons. I am ready to run full speed ahead into the work the Lord will call me to. He did teach me a lot about his character and my character and how they should complement each other perfectly. He has been slowly revealing to me the areas of my life that need work. Instead of being frustrated or discouraged by my convictions, I am hopeful because I know that this is simply the next step. Once the Lord reveals what needs to be fixed, I've got to fix it, and He is going to be there to help me.

--As I look back on the semester, I can see the Lord's hand in everything that happened. 1. I randomly decided this summer that I wanted to take a Greek language course. In this class, I met a girl who would become one of my closest friends, someone I can literally talk to about anything. And through her, I met so many other girls who really had an impact on me and the path I took this semester. 2. I randomly met a girl at her apartment. Didn't see or talk to her for a few weeks. Met her again at Starbucks. This is where one would say, "and the rest is history." I have never had a friend like her. The Lord has completely blessed our relationship and given me a love and appreciation for her that I can't explain. 3. I met a sophomore Kappa on bid day (but, let's be real, I met a LOT of people that did) and I didn't even remember her. She tweeted at me a couple weeks later. I decided, "I want to be friends with her." So I went to her apartment. We watched the Lizzie McGuire movie. We started spending more and more time together. Now, I trust her more than anyone else I have met. I look up to her and am constantly lifted up and encouraged by the time we spent together. ...... those are just a couple stories of strings of events that the Lord has used to really speak into my life and use the people around me to build me up. i don't know how this post got so long, but it was much needed.

knowing what i know now, i couldn't me more excited about this spring and summer. the Lord is moving. he's not done with me yet.