i am that person.

the other day i was walking and thinking. how can someone hear a set of rules and consequences and not follow them? i was thinking about earthly laws and guidelines set up by several different institutions. people are selfish when they don't follow them! someone made all of those laws for their good, and when they completely ignore them and do their own thing. they want what they want, and quite frankly, they don't let much of anything stand in their way of getting it.

but wait...

"whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me." - john 14:21

"keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. then you will be prosperous and successful." - joshua 1:8

"therefore, do not let sin reign in your mortal body, so that you obey its desires." - romans 6:12

"for i do not understand what i am doing, because i do not practice what i want to do, but i do what i hate. and if i do what i do not want to do, i agree with the law that it is good. so now i am no longer the one doing it, but it is sin living in me. for i know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh." romans 7:15-17

that's pretty clear. i am that person. i am the person i was condemning. i have heard the law. i have heard the commandments of the Lord, and more often than not, i an content to not follow them. sure, i want the good that He has for me, but my lazy flesh does not want to work for it. i claim i have been a believer since 9th grade. but since then, i have struggled (on and off) with habitual sin, i haven't shared the gospel except at camp, and i haven't really ever had the desire to. i am just like the people i couldn't understand. what isn't clicking in my head? [okay, let me clarify... it's not necessarily as if i feel like i need to be doing more, i just want to be able to have the desire to follow the Lord and better control over my selfish sin]

i don't want this to be about me anymore! but i get so frustrated and impatient. today, as i looked at my planner, i was shocked. outwardly, anyone could tell i am a Christian by the activities i participate in. things written on this week: fayetteville prayer room (twice), greeting at New Heights, prayer list, memory verses...

is it all real? or is my life just a show. i hope that it isn't. it's not. i sincerely want to follow Jesus. i am not just doing it for affirmation or approval. but, it is so easy to get caught up in doing things to strengthen my relationship with Christ and forget to actually pursue Him. i want to lay my life down DAILY. not just during worship on Sundays, or during a really good quiet time one night. i want to be constantly in pursuit of the one who saved me. who loves me. who gave his life for me.