timing.

it is a funny day. and i mean that in the most positive way possible. but i just had to take a minute and laugh earlier. seriously. i am happy.

i guess i should start off by mentioning just how beautiful it is outside. high around 70. okay. it’s perfect.

this morning, i woke up early. took a nice little walk to my car to get my hammock. why? because i was giving a speech in my 9:30 class. on hammocking. it was fun. during that class, i got an email from Stumo. the subject line read: "Thanks for Your Kaleo Deposit - Your Spot is Guaranteed!” there it is, ladies and gentlemen. i don’t know what it is about that that made it so real. yes, i was certain i was going. but now, i. am. going. i am scared. but i am also joyful beyond explanation. all i wanted to do was tell everyone around me!

about an hour later, i got a text from a friend that read, “just. got. hired.” wait. camp. i had almost forgotten about it in the midst of all the excitement. her text meant today was hiring day. it couldn’t have come with more perfect timing. that’s why my day was funny. God is funny. his timing is cool. all day long i have read tweet after tweet and facebook status after facebook status about who was hired for camp this summer. while it has been a little bit difficult today, getting that email today made all the difference in my attitude toward everything. the timing of it all just confirmed that i made the right decision.

then i spent a couple hours outside. hanging out. being with people. spending time in fellowship. i took a test. it was good.

now i am doing laundry. it’s actually relaxing. i’m getting things done. i am feeling great. my life recently has been up and down. i am ready for consistency, and i really feel like i am making steps toward getting there.

that is my prayer. to be rooted in the word and the Lord and in nothing else. if i am dependent on the things of this world, my life will show it. roller coaster. i want to be secure in the Lord’s callings.

so, like i have always prayed, “take this world, but give me Jesus.”

i am that person.

the other day i was walking and thinking. how can someone hear a set of rules and consequences and not follow them? i was thinking about earthly laws and guidelines set up by several different institutions. people are selfish when they don't follow them! someone made all of those laws for their good, and when they completely ignore them and do their own thing. they want what they want, and quite frankly, they don't let much of anything stand in their way of getting it.

but wait...

"whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me." - john 14:21

"keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. then you will be prosperous and successful." - joshua 1:8

"therefore, do not let sin reign in your mortal body, so that you obey its desires." - romans 6:12

"for i do not understand what i am doing, because i do not practice what i want to do, but i do what i hate. and if i do what i do not want to do, i agree with the law that it is good. so now i am no longer the one doing it, but it is sin living in me. for i know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh." romans 7:15-17

that's pretty clear. i am that person. i am the person i was condemning. i have heard the law. i have heard the commandments of the Lord, and more often than not, i an content to not follow them. sure, i want the good that He has for me, but my lazy flesh does not want to work for it. i claim i have been a believer since 9th grade. but since then, i have struggled (on and off) with habitual sin, i haven't shared the gospel except at camp, and i haven't really ever had the desire to. i am just like the people i couldn't understand. what isn't clicking in my head? [okay, let me clarify... it's not necessarily as if i feel like i need to be doing more, i just want to be able to have the desire to follow the Lord and better control over my selfish sin]

i don't want this to be about me anymore! but i get so frustrated and impatient. today, as i looked at my planner, i was shocked. outwardly, anyone could tell i am a Christian by the activities i participate in. things written on this week: fayetteville prayer room (twice), greeting at New Heights, prayer list, memory verses...

is it all real? or is my life just a show. i hope that it isn't. it's not. i sincerely want to follow Jesus. i am not just doing it for affirmation or approval. but, it is so easy to get caught up in doing things to strengthen my relationship with Christ and forget to actually pursue Him. i want to lay my life down DAILY. not just during worship on Sundays, or during a really good quiet time one night. i want to be constantly in pursuit of the one who saved me. who loves me. who gave his life for me.

give me Jesus.

Take the world, but give me Jesus,
All its joys are but a name;
But His love abideth ever,
Through eternal years the same

Take the world, but give me Jesus,
Sweetest comfort of my soul;
With my Savior watching over me,
I can sing though billows roll

Take the world, but give me Jesus,
Let me view His constant smile;
Then throughout this life's long journey
He will lead me all the while

Take the world, but give me Jesus.
In His cross my trust shall be,
Till, with clearer, brighter vision,
Face to face my Lord I see!

So take the world, but give me Jesus
Take the world, but give me Jesus
Take the world, but give me Jesus
Take the world, but give me Jesus

Oh, the height and depth of mercy!
Oh, the length and breadth of love!
Oh, the fullness of redemption,
Pledge of endless life above!

-Ascend the Hill

this IS the cry of my heart. but, why do i not act on it? sure, i want all the Lord has for me. but i suffer from something that most people do... complacency. laziness. apathy. it is SO SO easy for me to just sit by and let opportunities pass me by. and often times i catch myself being okay with it. i don't want to be okay with complacency! excuses are so easily formed.

here i am. i am 18 years old. i am a freshman in college. i am studying journalism. i am in a sorority. i have multiple opportunities every week to share the gospel. how many times have i actually done it? zero. in my mind, i am not the right person. someone else would be better. i'm scared. i guess the hope in writing this is that in voicing my fears, i will somehow be able to face them. or, at least understand them a little better? i'm on a journey. sometimes i feel like i have come miles. other times, i am a snail. and that's okay. but, sometimes i get frustrated.

frustration is, without a doubt, my biggest weakness. i get frustrated when people don't feel the same way i do. i get frustrated when i can't find words. i get frustrated with myself, mostly.

i am learning. learning how to cope. learning how to understand.

it's just taking some time, i guess.

so here i end, once again, with this:

you can have all this world, but PLEASE, just give me Jesus.

brokenness aside

All Sons and Daughters

Will your grace run out
If I let you down
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run

‘Cause I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

Will you call me child
When I tell you lies
Cause all I know
Is how to cry

I am a sinner
If its not one thing its another
Caught up in words
Tangled in lies
You are the Savior
And you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful

(disclaimer: You as a reader are about to learn something about me I didn't even know myself.)

Last night, in the middle of prayer in worship, all I knew was how to run. All I knew was how to cry. In a beautiful moment, I was selfish. Yes, part of it was because I knew there were problems in my heart that needed to be addressed before I could effectively pray for someone else. But, this is not uncommon for me. When I feel uncomfortable, I run. I avoid people. "I am a sinner, if it's not one thing, it's another..." This could not be more true about me. Sure, I may not partake in the "typical sins." But, my fear, my anxiety, my attitude? All of these things stem from certain sins. When I learn things and try to figure out how to apply them to my life, I get frustrated. Right now, frustration is my biggest weakness. I had so much time this weekend to sit and listen to the Lord, but then I didn't have much time to reflect and process what I heard. So, what did I do? I got frustrated? I ran away from the people I loved.

I wish I didn't do this.