fayetteville.

it's as close to home as i have ever felt. being in the town of fayetteville feels so right. always.

but i realize my days in Fayetteville are numbered, and i have no control over that number. i vow to enjoy this city more. and to love these people deeper. there is something special about the community that is here. i may not always have that, and i want to take full advantage of it while i can.

so, i am vowing to begin (and hopefully finish) this semester in love. and as i have had time to think about how to love, it's been hard because i have realized that this city and these people aren't mine. they have been given to me by God for a little while, but before i know it, they could be gone. i could be gone. how do you learn to love something and invest your time in it without letting it take the place of the Lord in your life. He still deserves the highest priority.

this semester is going to be good, i can already feel it. and not in a, "oh, i just came back from break where i went to a Christian conference and i'm so fired up!" kind of way. it's going to be good in a "i am excited to spend time with the Lord and during that time learn how to live the rest of my life" kind of way. my classes might be hard, but it'll work out. i'm taking perspectives. joining a Bible study. leading worship more. through all of this, i pray the Lord draws me close to himself and helps me to focus on him always....that i never become wrapped in everything that is going on, but that i constantly live to glorify Him.

in everything i do.

what if?

i am pretty confident that no one will ever be able to fully commit to something the Lord asks them to do with no fear whatsoever. the test will truly be if one is able to overcome those fears and go anyway. 

what if you were called to pack up and leave? what if all the plans you had ever made--big or small--were no longer at all relevant? would you have the strength to leave everyone you've ever known to begin your life in a new and completely unfamiliar place? 

i have always thought, sure, i'd be able to do that. but haven't put much effort into it past there. but i recently sat down to actually think through the weight of a decision like that and i was immediately in tears. 

the weight of the Lord's calling can be so much heavier than we could ever even think about bearing. 

F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote, "There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice." Since i read this quote a few weeks ago, it has permeated by thoughts in several unexpected ways. i love my friends. but each in a completely different way and for completely different reasons. and these are still different than the ways i love my family and the work i do. and still different than the love i have recently felt for the country of England. it consumes my thoughts. my heart longs for relationships with the people. my feet long to walk along the cobblestone streets in town and the grassy paths of the country. it doesn't make much sense, but somehow i have fallen in love with a country i have never even considered for more than a few seconds. 

my home is not in a place, but with a vision. and it only makes sense that i would chase that vision. a vision that came not from my own mind for i could never have thought this up on my own. 

"There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." - C.S. Lewis. and it is in this utterance that i find an ounce of hope. 

another year.

there are many things i could say in this post, but my hope is that this will hopefully not be as dull as a typical New Year's rambling and that in one way or another i will be able to pass along the things that have inspired me over the past couple of weeks.

"And since then, O Kings and Ladies, I have been wandering to find him and my happiness is so great that it even weakens me like a wound. And this is the marvel of marvels, that he called me Beloved, me who am but as a dog--"

i, like the speaker of these words, have spent my life falling short of all that the Lord has for me. but, i, too, have seen Him and have wandered after him for quite some time. and a wandering is truly all that it can be called. sometimes i think about how we are all here, not quite knowing what comes next, but somehow it comes anyway. as i wander around this earth, all i can hope is for my wandering heart to be bound to the Lord by His goodness. i have spent too great an amount of my time here on this earth in fear and in silence and in stillness. Charles deFoucauld said, "The one thing we owe absolutely to God is never to be afraid of anything." even if i am wandering, as long as i am connected and bound to the Lord's heart, what do i have to fear? Jesus told me to take heart, because he has already overcome any hardship of this world.

although i cannot yet tell where this year will take me, i do know one thing. my eyes will see places i have hardly even dreamed of. my heart will know love so much deeper than anything it does now. i will meet people who will change my life forever. i will see the Lord's plan continue take shape in my life. and i will not be afraid to go where i am sent for my heart longs for these places and these people whom i have not yet seen or met. adventures are out there just waiting to be had and i am here just waiting to be sent.

2013, i welcome you with open arms, a full heart, and a willing spirit.